The 10-Step Guide to Driving a Car When Absolutely Everything Goes Wrong

You’re driving an unfamiliar car through an unfamiliar city for the first time, the roads are covered in ice, and you have no idea which button to press, which way to steer, or where the ejection-seat button is in case someone shoots you down.

1. Suppose you’re sitting in the car and, when you try to pull away, you notice there’s no steering wheel, no pedals, no dashboard, and your view of the road ahead is blocked by various objects. You may have accidentally taken the back seat. Move to the front seat.

2. Suppose you’re driving along your side of the road, while every other car is coming straight at you and honking. Honk back in a show of solidarity and switch on your high beams. If the symptoms persist, stop the car and ask a police officer, “This isn’t England by any chance, is it?”

3. Suppose it isn’t England. Move a little farther to the right and keep going. If you notice that the number of pedestrians suddenly increases, move back to the left. You may be driving on the sidewalk. By alternately turning the steering wheel left and right, eventually find the optimal trajectory.

4. Suppose other cars are constantly passing you. Open the door and get out to make sure you aren’t actually parked and that there isn’t something blocking your car. If you determine that your car was not sitting still, catch up with it by hitchhiking.

5. Suppose you get a flat tire. Pull over and look in the trunk for a spare tire and a pump. If instead you find suspicious pieces of metal that vaguely resemble an internal-combustion engine, congratulations: you own a Porsche.

6. Suppose the sheer number of traffic laws frightens you. Then make sure you don’t choose the wrong vehicle when buying a car. Remember: the bigger your vehicle, the fewer traffic laws seem to apply to you.

7. Suppose you’re driving while intoxicated and a police officer tries to pull you over. Quickly climb into the back seat and try to fall asleep. After 24 hours, you can calmly continue your journey.

8. Suppose the cigarette lighter in your car stops working. Get rid of the vehicle immediately. A car without a cigarette lighter is nothing more than a useless pile of metal.

9. Suppose a car is coming toward you with a large “L” on the windshield. Terrify the driver by suddenly turning on your lights and honking. It’s hilarious watching them jump into the ditch.

10. Suppose you aren’t confident in your driving abilities. Remember the unofficial rule of the road: “Think for the idiots!” So there’s no need to strain your brain too much. Let everyone else do the thinking for you.

If you made it this far, we hope you’re smiling. Life has enough politics, traffic, bills, and daily routines. Sometimes all you need is a ridiculous driving guide to make your day a little more fun. :-)